Unfortunately, the dance is all that is seen
Self-contempt, isolation, and a strong sense that I was untrustworthy accompanied one another making shame became my core identity. And locked in a set of very unhealthy beliefs. I was, and still am, incapable of trusting my own emotions as a compass. There is an overwhelming shadow that I will be disregarded for being abnormal, that my failures would create drama. I developed skill to ground myself in the present and being in the moment. To stay observant without judgment of my own emotions was unacceptable.
The parts that believed, that would force support networks away are believed to be shadows of our true place in the world. I diluted or ignored parts of myself that I thought would alienate me, labeled as a failure. To avoid everything I feared, I created masks for acceptance based on the expectation others had of who I was in relation to them.
At the same time I lived in fear that my creation would not be viewed as survival, but duplicities and bring rejection. I had become paralyzed that I’d be thrown away. Life had become easier to be subservient than assertive, as I navigated the numerous worlds that I had begun inhabiting, as I tried on various masks and identities.
I tap danced to be seen.
Unfortunately, the dance is all that is seen.