Unfortunately, the dance is all that is seen

Self-contempt, isolation, and a strong sense that I was untrustworthy accompanied one another making shame became my core identity. And locked in a set of very unhealthy beliefs. I was, and still am, incapable of trusting my own emotions as a compass. There is an overwhelming shadow that I will be disregarded for being abnormal, that my failures would create drama. I developed skill to ground myself in the present and being in the moment. To stay observant without judgment of my own emotions was unacceptable.

The parts that believed, that would force support networks away are believed to be shadows of our true place in the world. I diluted or ignored parts of myself that I thought would alienate me, labeled as a failure. To avoid everything I feared, I created masks for acceptance based on the expectation others had of who I was in relation to them.

At the same time I lived in fear that my creation would not be viewed as survival, but duplicities and bring rejection. I had become paralyzed that I’d be thrown away. Life had become easier to be subservient than assertive, as I navigated the numerous worlds that I had begun inhabiting, as I tried on various masks and identities.

I tap danced to be seen.

   Unfortunately, the dance is all that is seen.

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EXPERIENCES

A Ghastly Maze

Mother McCloud took a waitress position, at one of the lunch baskets that fed the Masonric Gears factory workers, per diem CBD secretaries at The Gears, and on Soex. Mother was the type of person that suffering made softer and compassionate. She had a garden full of tawny, orange, and copper rose varieties that Brian could never identify.

Brian McCloud

Mother McCloud took a waitress position, at one of the lunch baskets that fed the Masonric Gears factory workers, per diem CBD secretaries at The Gears, and on Soex. Mother was the type of person that suffering made softer and compassionate. She had a garden full of tawny, orange, and copper rose varieties that Brian could never identify.

FICTION

DORIAN IACCHUS’ WORLD
Vagabond Ways
Twisted Fantasies of a Dark Mind
Ronnie & Clyde

BLITHEDALE ROMANCES

PERSONAL ESSAYS

The Narcissist Boy

In relationships of my youth I was a chaos creator. Then I grew up (it can be argued), and redeveloped who I was after a dating lifetime of pursing others had been role-reversed when I dated Jonah Windur.

POETRY

I’m Not Happy That I’m Not Safe With You

With philosophical morals as strong as a sea fog,You laid barbed wire around my circular orbit;And now I’m at the pointWhen I look in another’s eyesAll I… Read more “I’m Not Happy That I’m Not Safe With You”

A Vagabond Romance

Poetry A king with 40 ounce malt liquor on his lipsThe Bad boy in the middle of the weekWhose stupid shit fucks me upLike a fairy tale,… Read more “A Vagabond Romance”

Worthy

I wish I could / Be strong without someone there / When I’m terrified you’ll be all alone with me one day / And what then would I be